There were shootings at high school football games this weekend. More people died. The call to banish guns was renewed.
I’ve got experience with this. My sister was killed at school back before school shootings were “popular.” I say “popular” because the media has made it to where these school shooters get to go down in a blaze of glory.
It’s the most cowardly act I could ever imagine.
So, the politicians call for a ban on guns. They call for the confiscation of guns. They say let’s be more like Europe.
And you know what, I agree. We should ban all guns.
But why stop there? Let’s really save everyone from everything. Perhaps we should consider a grand ban on cars, fast food, alcohol, cigarettes, and everything else that brings even a smidgen of pleasure to our otherwise mundane lives.
Imagine a world where the roar of engines is silenced, and the roads are devoid of any vehicles. No more traffic jams, no more road rage, and certainly no more joyrides through scenic landscapes. We’ll all be happily confined within the confines of our homes, relying on our trusty feet to take us wherever we need to go. Who needs the convenience and freedom of transportation when we can embrace the simple joy of never leaving our neighborhoods?
And let’s not forget about fast food—those glorious, greasy feasts that tantalize our taste buds and clog our arteries. It’s high time we bid farewell to the guilty pleasures of burgers, fries, and milkshakes. In this brave new world, we’ll subsist solely on kale smoothies and quinoa salads, forever denying ourselves the sinful indulgence of a comforting meal.
Alcohol, that notorious elixir that has sparked countless tales of merriment and regret, must also face the gallows. No more clinking glasses, no more toasting to good times. Every celebration will be a dry affair, devoid of the enchantment that a little liquid courage can bring. Who needs the laughter, camaraderie, and occasional dance floor mishaps when we can embrace the somber embrace of sobriety?
And cigarettes, those little sticks of controversy, must be extinguished for good. No more huddling outside office buildings, braving the elements and shivering in solidarity. We shall banish the fragrant smoke that swirls with each exhale and replace it with pristine, scentless air. After all, what’s life without a little less flavor, a little less rebellion, and a little less lung capacity?
As I weave this sarcastic tale of a banished paradise, I cannot help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Life is a tapestry woven with both beauty and imperfection. Our choices, our vices, and our indulgences shape who we are and add color to the canvas of existence.
While it’s important to address the challenges and risks associated with certain aspects of our lives, an outright ban is not the answer. Instead, let us focus on education, regulation, and personal responsibility. Through dialogue, understanding, and moderation, we can create a society that balances individual freedoms with the greater good.
So, let’s raise a metaphorical glass to the absurdity of banning everything under the sun. Let’s embrace the complexities of life, the joys and the challenges, and seek solutions that promote balance and well-being.
And Ric Flair said “WOOOO,” and the Good Lord said He loves us.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
(Josh Beavers is an award-winning writer and author. He has earned more than 40 individual writing awards and is syndicated in 12 North Louisiana news journals. The Louisiana Press Association has recognized him five times for excellence in opinion writing, and he has earned numerous Best Investigative Reporting Awards and Freedom of Information Awards for exposure of governmental corruption in Webster Parish.)